Thursday, 30 December 2010

Commitment Phobia

Commitment can be best defined in just three words and they are “ a purposeful persistence”.

Just as children have bad stomach or measles, likewise men suffer from what is known as “Commitment Phobia”. Phobia is an excessive and an unreasonable desire to avoid the feared stimulus. Fears can be crippling and Commitment Phobia too is a kind of disabling disorder, which can lead to complete disability or we may say an inability to have stable and long term genuine relationships. The stimulus which such men fear is, getting committed to a long term relationship with a single woman or we may say they have “One Woman Syndrome”. It is a psychological as well as an emotional disorder. A paradoxical situation is seen i.e. a commitment phobic only craves what he fears most and it is ‘Love and Connection’. Intimacy is in his DNA but still he runs away from it.

The man who suffers from commitment phobia is himself a tortured soul. He suffers from emotional conflicts. He has negative and irrational beliefs about love and togetherness in a relationship. He does not suffer alone, but creates confusion, pain, and havoc in the life of a sincere woman who loves him. Emotional intimacy brings shivers to him! All this is due to the unpredictable and bizarre behavior of this emotionally unavailable man!

It is rightly said for a commitment phobic man that “he can easily turn a woman who is a saint into a mad woman as he is quite skillful and adept in playing games with her mind and heart”.

While writing this I might sound harsh and bitter with my words but I can’t sugar coat the reality! This is a disorder that is extensively found.

Men who are reading this article can check themselves for the symptoms whether they suffer from it not. When a commitment phobic man sits down to think of having a long term relationship he might have breathlessness, dizziness, excessive sweating, dry mouth, a bout of anxiety or a sensation of detachment. He might become irritable with complete clouding of thought processes.

A woman must spot out whether the man, she is madly in love with is commitment phobic or not. It would require 3 ‘Ts’ i.e. Time, Testing and Tenacity to do that because such a man often camouflages. Charming, charismatic and romantic, he knows how to make a woman safe and special. Being a master of seduction, he possesses all the qualities to lead a woman out of a world of reality into his faux fantasy land.The poor female eats away her pride and forgets her own self in loving him. She promises more and more to maintain the relation with him than he does!

He would never tell the girl that he loves her even if she repeatedly keeps on reminding him of her sincerest feelings. He would feel love for her when he doesn’t see her but at the same time is ready to run away when she wants to be close. He shows adulation towards the woman he is with and makes her feel as his dream lady, barraging compliments to her! He would want a relationship but at the same time would ask for space. This is the reason that he is often attracted to have long distance relationships with busy and independent women who might not try to entrap him into any kind of commitment or promises. Such a man is an ardent pursuer till he wins over the lady on whom he sets his eyes on!

He has a tendency to get a woman who is quite different from what he actually wants. She may be much older, much younger, married, or they might have different interests and circumstances. As these differences act as tools in the form of excuses to end relationships.

So beware…“A Commitment-phobe loves the chase but doesn’t want the kill”. He gets attracted to a female’s reluctance and all the more intrigued by her resistance! There are subtle messages in his announcements when he says, “You are special for a short time, but it won’t be forever”. He is never ready to talk about his relationship goals and mostly chooses a woman who herself is insecure and needs attention. This man dislikes tears but is never moved by them.He retains the power to refuse the love of a female who is almost reduced to a level of a beggar begging for his affection and feeling so powerless in front of him.

Psychologists opine that this disorder can be the result of an emotional trauma or some kind of betrayal during the course of a person’s life. It can also be due to some inferiority complex.

So if one really loves a man and unfortunately the man is a commitment phobic guy, one needs to act objectively rather than justifying the actions and acting as an advocate of this Mr Right. He needs help. Counseling and hypnoanalysis can show fruitful results by helping in resolving his unresolved emotions and conflicts.

A word for females: Do not become a victim of a commitment phobic guy as there are few chances of winning over such a man.His actions have to be taken a closer rather than getting mesmerized by his words. It can take a huge toll on your emotional health as you won't be able to trust the words "I love you" again in your life. So leave him if you don’t have the patience as it can drain you mentally and emotionally.To get him there needs a lot of hard work to be put into the relationship from your side. You have to try pulling him out from his dark world of negative irrational beliefs.